New Year Resolutions

The last year whizzed by ...
Nothing got accomplished ! Totally, nothing!
Everything of 2010 has been a blank.So seriously, this sucks.
.Embarking upon newyear with immense stress and immense deadlines sucks Ass, totally!

Resolutions?

NOT TO PANIC..TIDE OVER THAT HALF HOUR OF SEVERE PANIC ATTACK SOMEHOW
I have this tendency to make impulsive decisions during that half hour of panic attack and then after that panic attack tides, I still have to abide by those impulsive decisions I made  during the panic attack and /or , track back on those ideas  which is a big big big waste of time. One impulsive thing I often times do during panic attacks is EMAIL old bfs or try calling family...Trust me, in a panic attack, NOTHING HELPS except yourself cosciously TIDING IT OVER CALMLY.
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STOP BEING A PERFECTIONIST.
Being a perfectionist or wanting to do a task in the most perfect manner makes me procrastinate and then I end up postponing tasks to be done at  a later time(a time frame or time point wherein I assume I am going to be happier and in a better frame of mind to do it better).The future reference point looks are rosy and comfortable till ofcours it  becomes the present and looks not SO IDEAL.Any time is good as this...So, stop being a perectionist and do it already.
Again.The whole of last year has been endless panic attacks wherein I have postponed stuff over and over ...and then I horrify myself  with further panic attacks about how I never get anything done!!!
So, yeah, stop being a perfectionist and try to do whatever lil i can do even when my mindset is not the happiest..and that is how you get it done..bit by bit..I need to keep on doing tasks..I need to do this
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STOP MAKING OVERWHELMING PLANS ALL TOGETHER..
Making grandiose plans is what makes me want to wait till I am in that uber productive mindset to accomplish a task..I CANNOT wait for perfect mindsets..I need to push on with NO-SO-PERFECT mindsets.Also, I need to make SHORT TERM PLANS...small do-able plans and that makes tasks less daunting.Even better, just don't make a plan, Just get up and do stuff..Just do it and plan it as you go...
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STOP MAKING PLANS in my PRE-REM SLEEP START DOING THINGS.. AND PLAN AS I GO

I have this tendency in the night just as I fall off to sleep or the least, TRY to fall off to sleep, make elaborate plans about how I will wake up early next morning and make a tight 18 hour plan.This sends my mind into such a frenzy that i end up developing a mini panic attack and then i can't go to sleep for a long long time..and due to that, I end up getting up late..and then get very disappointed that I am already lagging behind in my day plan.

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I NEED TO GROW UP AND STOP CALLING HOME LIKE A BABY EACH TIME I HAVE A PANIC ATTACK.
I need to grow up.Just as I type this,just half hour ago,I had an immense panic attack..and I was this close to calling home..hmmmmm..
The thing about calling home is, I call and then speak long distance for four hours.
The thing is, in the process of babbling out to mom and dad , all my "WOES", I make them worry about me and at the end of four hours of babbling, my panic is just the same as it was before.
So, um..The whole exercise of calling home has, time and again, proved  to be counter productive .
So ,why do it?
I NEED TO GROW UP BIGTIME.There are a lot of older people in their 40s who don't have parents to call .They are prolly even  parents themselves.
So, how do they deal with problems? By sucking it up and doing whatever it takes
I MUST DO THAT TOO instead of constantly calling home like a child would do
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STOP TRYING TO RECONNECT WITH OR REVISIT PEOPLE AND PLACES THAT SURE INDUCE DEPRESSION IN ME (NO MATTER HOW MUCH I MISS THEM )
I am an overachiever when I do things all alone/without anyone interfering or "helping" or sharing the burden.But time and again ,I choose to interact with people and become part of places which surely induce immense depression in me to the point of dysfunctionality.Funnily, these people and places THAT I INTERACT WITH  benefit immensely by the end of the interaction while I lose out.
And then I go into severe depression disappointed at how I became an underachiever due to my interaction with them and the depression that this interaction brought me thereof.
Then comes this part where though I know the cause of the depression I have a hard time walking away from these people/places."Funny" even more is when I  have finally managed to walk way from them and am starting to get better and strangely I want to go reconnect with these very elements all over again leading to predictable disastrous results..ALL OVER AGAIN..I never learn..hmmmm..So I need to learn.I wonder why I do it though?False bravado? why?NO SELF PRESERVATION?NO SELFISHNESS?FAKE BRAVADO?I don't know..I need to drop this habit..totally.MAYBE I LIKE THE HIGH STRUNG SOAP OPERA LIKE MISERY LADEN DRAMA? maybe..But I need to BREAK THE HABIT OF LOVING MISERY.

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STOP BLAMING AND START BEING IN CHARGE .OPEN MY EYES AND REALIZE THAT EVERYONE FACES THE SAME PROBLEMS I FACE...I NEED TO LEARN TO TACKLE PROBLEMS and unexpected situations like an adult!

Just right when I am ready to reach the PERFECT STATE OF MIND,something drastic happens,over and over and I drop the towel and I give up.
My mommy blames it on bad destiny.I don't believe in destiny at all..
Yet , I do blame everything around me and DROP THE TOWEL...I think I do that because I feel like I am the only one who faces these peculiar problems..
Maybe having spent a very sheltered and provided for childhood,where everything was ready and there for me,no money worries ever,I got everything I asked for,I got things before I asked for them,.Everything was taken care of by mom and dad, &so much so that I never realized how much it takes to get to that perfect place of a provided for childhood.
This protected childhood probably didn't prepare me enough to the TOUGH times of now.
Things that I deem too tough to deal with,BUT in reality THEY ARE NOT that tough at all,everyone faces them..ONLY,I never knew till now.So, I need to calm down and understand that EVERYONE FACES SUCH PROBLEMS..EVERYONE..EVERYONE..So I need to calm down and NOT feel like a victim.I need to be a tough fighter..I need to .
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STOP DISREGARDING GUT INSTINCT
My gut instinct comes from a smart place in my mind which works on logic.I know what will happen if I say something to someone or do this or that
And yet,after that momentary gut instinct moment which tells me "no point complaining coz no action will be taken anyways" and then after five minutes of that,I see myself slowly going into a panic attack wherein I finally decide that I might as well go ahead and complain..Then I go complain , then nothing gets done and then I am depressed coz nothing got done AFTER I complained..Ya ,know..geezus..STICK TO THE GUT INSTINCT..seriously
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STOP LAMENTING ON THINGS I DIDN'T ACCOMPLISH THOUGH I HAD the TALENT to accomplish it.LEARN TO LOOK FORWARD
Lamenting about my past or current failures  puts me in a depression and then I waste more time doing nothing during that depression phase,then I end up not accomplishing anything further and then I get depressed some more and then lament...vicious cycle.
I need to forgive myself and move on..
Maybe I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN..Maybe not..Maybe I am a tortoise..and maybe I am a loser..so what?
Even losers must try..I am a loser, maybe, but I must try...Ya know...Stop lamenting..Stop blaming others for my failures...everyone faces bad situations..I am too..I am to deal with it like an adult.I cannot be a baby..My parents are getting older..I need to learn to manage alone..I need to do things alone..totally

The 2009 Round up blog in Piece meal-My opinion about NY resolutions?

BTW,
I made some NY resolutions..
My opinion about NY resolutions?
I see two different groups of people..One of those groups vehemently believes that you have to make resolutions coz that is what everyone else does and so they have to do it too ..
There is this other group which thinks that they should NOT have resolutions coz that is how you force yourself to stand out.. be being not what others do..
Both these attitudes are symbolic of a herd mentality nevertheless..You are still responding to a general trend.
To me.both these groups are in some way conforming to a public wave of behavior.
 I think , People should stop focussing on the general trend and focus on themselves.As a special unique entity with a special set of unique circumstances.
Like I already said, each of us is a unique set of variables.
We are all different.
So, if you want or feel the need to have a resolution, do have it.
If you don't, then don't.
If you want to have it and  then break it,sure , do it.
If you never had one but mid year you feel like having some NY resolutions, sure, do have them..
There are no rules.. just focus on yourself and make tailor made rules just for you,,yeah?
Be flexible in a clever way.


My NY resolutions-original and revamped -These are from my Twitter entries

1. 2010 NY: Never judge anyone.Don't do impulsive stuff,Get up and take action,Meet deadlines,work real hard,Hope for the best!have a schedule! 4:03 PM Dec 31st, 2009 from web 

1. Failed all NY resolutions:Never judge anyone.Don't B impulsive ,take action,Meet deadlines,work real hard,Hope for the best!have a schedule 4:42 AM Jan 5th from web

1. NY resolutions:Revamped: Make a schedule and stick to it,Calm down(my best friend's advice btw..LOL) ,drink enough water each day,sleep well 12:14 AM Jan 6th from web

1. NY resolutions:Revamped II: Finish learning guitar chords before vacating the apartment,Eat 3 good meals a day,get 9 hours of quality sleep! 12:23 AM Jan 6th from web 

1. NY resolutions:Revamped III:No matter how cold keep windows of the apartment open for an hour each day,listen 2 my fav music an hour a day 12:34 AM Jan 6th from web

I made NY resolutions quite spontaneously while twittering .I had not been meaning to do it. but i did , on the spur of the moment while Tweeting,
And,well, they are really sensible ones.
I failed on all the resolution goals  by jan 5 th .LOL..But ,ya know what, I am getting better at them.
This is the same principle "43things" website runs on..Once you jot down and publicly make a resolution, you are more likely to back it up with action.
"43things" is one of my favorite websites of all times.It really helps with focusing on goals in a very unique manner.

These days, each time I see someone messing up, the old me starts to judge and get critical at why people are so thoughtless and how they lack self control and why they mess up,,But suddenly I remember the NY RESOLUTIONS and then I quickly tell myself, "Don't judge, You don't know their state of mind, you don't know their circumstances, don't judge, just let it go!"
and then I let it go and then i feel liberated just a lil bit more in my head.

2009

well. Just had to come down here and earmark this blog with a pre new year entry.
Gas prices went up and then went down..
A lot of bank giants suddenly went down and now want more money
obama got elected
things happen..
years comes and they go
People get older
Point in case, I am getting older.I dont feel older, Prolly I do..I look the same.;I look younger than I am .. As in I look like a teenager and that doesnt help sometimes.. In terms of being taken seriously
I still have no idea which country i will end up settling down and building a house at .. .will i have a kitchen garden? or will be an apartment? will i have children? will the children be by arficial insemination much akin to the poor cows in the farms or will it be from a man that i will be comfortable enough to cohabitate and copulate with and not regret afterwards? Will i adopt children? If so , should i adopt a girl or girls or a girl and a boy or just a boy? oh oh the trouble with choices.. so yeah.. will i have a car? or cars? Am i not too old to still be figuring these things out? a few of my friends already have a car and couple of kids per piece.. They prolly yet dont own a house , unless they are the softwared code monkey.. those ones, they own a house too .
I am the only one yet still figuring it out.. yeah btw, some of my other friends. finished the marriage and kids and mortgage and now are on the verge of divorce and child custody battles.. and i am glad sometimes and then feel like i was the smarter one with no encumbrances so far to be able to decide on things with no limitations .. so yeah.. I am still deciding.
the other day. I read some homeless guy's blog and got really scared that I strangely am scared i might end homeless if i dont quickly make decisions and buy a home and have a kitchen garden and then have some children ..I am real scared..
EAch time i see a homeless person on the street , I am scared.. I just dont see how much i am different from them and then i shudder a lil more sitting there in the bus or the subway train..
I look at the skies and love them immensely. I let the wind caress my face and feel great
and yet suddenly , at the end of it.. the fact that i am taking time to make decisions ,, scares me.. I am scared , i will never make them and end up like that homeless guy who blogs .. gosh..