The last year whizzed by ...
Nothing got accomplished ! Totally, nothing!
Everything of 2010 has been a blank.So seriously, this sucks.
.Embarking upon newyear with immense stress and immense deadlines sucks Ass, totally!
NOT TO PANIC..TIDE OVER THAT HALF HOUR OF SEVERE PANIC ATTACK SOMEHOW
I have this tendency to make impulsive decisions during that half hour of panic attack and then after that panic attack tides, I still have to abide by those impulsive decisions I made during the panic attack and /or , track back on those ideas which is a big big big waste of time. One impulsive thing I often times do during panic attacks is EMAIL old bfs or try calling family...Trust me, in a panic attack, NOTHING HELPS except yourself cosciously TIDING IT OVER CALMLY.
STOP BEING A PERFECTIONIST.
Being a perfectionist or wanting to do a task in the most perfect manner makes me procrastinate and then I end up postponing tasks to be done at a later time(a time frame or time point wherein I assume I am going to be happier and in a better frame of mind to do it better).The future reference point looks are rosy and comfortable till ofcours it becomes the present and looks not SO IDEAL.Any time is good as this...So, stop being a perectionist and do it already.
Again.The whole of last year has been endless panic attacks wherein I have postponed stuff over and over ...and then I horrify myself with further panic attacks about how I never get anything done!!!
So, yeah, stop being a perfectionist and try to do whatever lil i can do even when my mindset is not the happiest..and that is how you get it done..bit by bit..I need to keep on doing tasks..I need to do this
STOP MAKING OVERWHELMING PLANS ALL TOGETHER..
Making grandiose plans is what makes me want to wait till I am in that uber productive mindset to accomplish a task..I CANNOT wait for perfect mindsets..I need to push on with NO-SO-PERFECT mindsets.Also, I need to make SHORT TERM PLANS...small do-able plans and that makes tasks less daunting.Even better, just don't make a plan, Just get up and do stuff..Just do it and plan it as you go...
STOP MAKING PLANS in my PRE-REM SLEEP START DOING THINGS.. AND PLAN AS I GO
I have this tendency in the night just as I fall off to sleep or the least, TRY to fall off to sleep, make elaborate plans about how I will wake up early next morning and make a tight 18 hour plan.This sends my mind into such a frenzy that i end up developing a mini panic attack and then i can't go to sleep for a long long time..and due to that, I end up getting up late..and then get very disappointed that I am already lagging behind in my day plan.
I NEED TO GROW UP AND STOP CALLING HOME LIKE A BABY EACH TIME I HAVE A PANIC ATTACK.
I need to grow up.Just as I type this,just half hour ago,I had an immense panic attack..and I was this close to calling home..hmmmmm..
The thing about calling home is, I call and then speak long distance for four hours.
The thing is, in the process of babbling out to mom and dad , all my "WOES", I make them worry about me and at the end of four hours of babbling, my panic is just the same as it was before.
So, um..The whole exercise of calling home has, time and again, proved to be counter productive .
So ,why do it?
I NEED TO GROW UP BIGTIME.There are a lot of older people in their 40s who don't have parents to call .They are prolly even parents themselves.
So, how do they deal with problems? By sucking it up and doing whatever it takes
I MUST DO THAT TOO instead of constantly calling home like a child would do
STOP TRYING TO RECONNECT WITH OR REVISIT PEOPLE AND PLACES THAT SURE INDUCE DEPRESSION IN ME (NO MATTER HOW MUCH I MISS THEM )
I am an overachiever when I do things all alone/without anyone interfering or "helping" or sharing the burden.But time and again ,I choose to interact with people and become part of places which surely induce immense depression in me to the point of dysfunctionality.Funnily, these people and places THAT I INTERACT WITH benefit immensely by the end of the interaction while I lose out.
And then I go into severe depression disappointed at how I became an underachiever due to my interaction with them and the depression that this interaction brought me thereof.
Then comes this part where though I know the cause of the depression I have a hard time walking away from these people/places."Funny" even more is when I have finally managed to walk way from them and am starting to get better and strangely I want to go reconnect with these very elements all over again leading to predictable disastrous results..ALL OVER AGAIN..I never learn..hmmmm..So I need to learn.I wonder why I do it though?False bravado? why?NO SELF PRESERVATION?NO SELFISHNESS?FAKE BRAVADO?I don't know..I need to drop this habit..totally.MAYBE I LIKE THE HIGH STRUNG SOAP OPERA LIKE MISERY LADEN DRAMA? maybe..But I need to BREAK THE HABIT OF LOVING MISERY.
STOP BLAMING AND START BEING IN CHARGE .OPEN MY EYES AND REALIZE THAT EVERYONE FACES THE SAME PROBLEMS I FACE...I NEED TO LEARN TO TACKLE PROBLEMS and unexpected situations like an adult!
Just right when I am ready to reach the PERFECT STATE OF MIND,something drastic happens,over and over and I drop the towel and I give up.
My mommy blames it on bad destiny.I don't believe in destiny at all..
Yet , I do blame everything around me and DROP THE TOWEL...I think I do that because I feel like I am the only one who faces these peculiar problems..
Maybe having spent a very sheltered and provided for childhood,where everything was ready and there for me,no money worries ever,I got everything I asked for,I got things before I asked for them,.Everything was taken care of by mom and dad, &so much so that I never realized how much it takes to get to that perfect place of a provided for childhood.
This protected childhood probably didn't prepare me enough to the TOUGH times of now.
Things that I deem too tough to deal with,BUT in reality THEY ARE NOT that tough at all,everyone faces them..ONLY,I never knew till now.So, I need to calm down and understand that EVERYONE FACES SUCH PROBLEMS..EVERYONE..EVERYONE..So I need to calm down and NOT feel like a victim.I need to be a tough fighter..I need to .
STOP DISREGARDING GUT INSTINCT
My gut instinct comes from a smart place in my mind which works on logic.I know what will happen if I say something to someone or do this or that
And yet,after that momentary gut instinct moment which tells me "no point complaining coz no action will be taken anyways" and then after five minutes of that,I see myself slowly going into a panic attack wherein I finally decide that I might as well go ahead and complain..Then I go complain , then nothing gets done and then I am depressed coz nothing got done AFTER I complained..Ya ,know..geezus..STICK TO THE GUT INSTINCT..seriously
STOP LAMENTING ON THINGS I DIDN'T ACCOMPLISH THOUGH I HAD the TALENT to accomplish it.LEARN TO LOOK FORWARD
Lamenting about my past or current failures puts me in a depression and then I waste more time doing nothing during that depression phase,then I end up not accomplishing anything further and then I get depressed some more and then lament...vicious cycle.
I need to forgive myself and move on..
Maybe I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN..Maybe not..Maybe I am a tortoise..and maybe I am a loser..so what?
Even losers must try..I am a loser, maybe, but I must try...Ya know...Stop lamenting..Stop blaming others for my failures...everyone faces bad situations..I am too..I am to deal with it like an adult.I cannot be a baby..My parents are getting older..I need to learn to manage alone..I need to do things alone..totally
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