THE FIRST TIME I LAID MY EYES ON MR.U
Now ,see, memories are so deceptive....but the ONE detail that I instantly remember each time I try to recall that first moment of acquaintance with MR.U is that he was wearing a GREY T SHIRT..(which is why I also refer to mr.U as MR.GREY in my blogs or in other coded depictions on him in my poetry).
Memories are deceptive.why? Because, when we compare our mental memory of a particular past incident to an actual solid proof of that very same incident, say, a video recording or audio recording, the stark differences between memory and reality become apparent and then ,it shocks us as to how many lies we might believe due a faulty memory- recall.
Funnily, the first ever time I saw mr.u was in a video on the TV screen, POSSIBLY IN LATE 2003 OR EARLY 2004. He was singing in that video.
My first impression was "oooooh , what an interesting ,different and soothing voice.This boy gets full points for UNIQUENESS OF VOICE ARTICULATION." Sadly, or peculiarly, I DIDN'T find him physically attractive at all..I DIDN'T LOOK AT HIM like that at all.All I was focusing on was the voice...the voice,his voice, I find it very VERY soothing and attractive..and the content of his talk is even more interesting you see.
At that point of time in 2003 I was not blogging anymore..I was blogging prior to that ..I was blogging in 2001 and 2000 when very few blogging options were available..HONESTLY, 2003 AND 2004 WERE THE BEST YEARS..years of renewed hope, innocence,discovery,learning ...OR ...again,thinking of it all,MEMORIES ARE DECEPTIVE...everything looks either OVERLY ROSY or OVERLY DRAMATICALLY BAD in RETROSPECT.
FIVE SALIENT POINTS(can't take the LIST MAKER out of me...LOL) ABOUT WHAT I FELT ABOUT MR.U UPON my FIRST DISCERNING OF HIS SPECIAL SELF
1/the voice articulation is interesting.
3/amoeba mouth,slightly chubby
4/short and stumpy(funnily, in reality he is actually very tall...like, TALLER THAN AVERAGE..but then, the first time i saw him in the video....there were more face and torso shots..and thus, I really really couldn't make out how tall he was)
5/unattractive unimpressive face(just being honest)....Hmmmmm....but his face is like mine in some ways.IT reflects moods.He can look VERY SEXY WHEN HE IS HAPPY AND HAS HAD A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP, his face can look gaunt and sad when he is sad and tormented and he can be fat and chubby if he doesn't watch what he eats(which btw begs to be another separate blog entry)..His face definitely is NOT an UGLY face though on first view i came to that conclusion.In fact, I don't think anyone has an UGLY FACE ever...we are all different ...our face is our identity...and reflects our current state of mind(this is another blog entry yet again-i am a procrastinator when it comes to blogging..for instance , I was supposed to blog this particular blog entry on jun 19th..but no,i came around to actually typing it out in sep)
IT HAS BEEN A LOOOOOOOOONG WAY FROM 2003 TO 2012..How many years? 9 years...nearly a decade...I prolly laid my eyes on him sometime in sep 2003 for the first time.So, by this sep 2012,it would exactly be 9 years since our first meeting of souls in the universe....hmmmmm,,telepathic soul meeting..LOL
I had to go check on his facebook to get the chronology right.Ya know,counter check my mind's memories with his facebook journal.HE HAS HAD A FACEBOOK account since 2007 and this is the first time I have ACTUALLY VISITED IT.why so late?hmmm.well, I DON'T LIKE FACEBOOK.I don't like the format..I don't like the lack of privacy..and yada yada...(this is topic for another blog entry).So yeah,I had to counter check my mental details with his internet blogs and logs and journals and what not..I went back and also had a look at the video from 2003...just to CORRECT MY FAULTY MEMORY..
WHAT DID I FIND WHEN I RE-WATCHED THAT VIDEO?
well, first off,the whole time,in the video,he is actually wearing a black and green long overcoat over the bluish grey tshirt.Yet,in my faulty memory,for 9 whole years, all I kept thinking was "he was wearing a grey tshirt and blue jeans when i first saw him"hmmmm
For me, A grey t shirt is forever a reminder of him .Each time I wear a grey tshirt,I think of him and smile...MR.GREY...MR.U....
Ever since 2004,and more so since the end of 2005,Mr.U has always been a part of my conscious thoughts .I think about him each day, in spite of vowing to erase him from my memory altogether.Why do I want to erase him from my memory?His thoughts are all-consuming,slightly obsessive on some level,like pushing on the gas pedal too much while still holding the brakes...burns me out!
Also,back then,he had HONEY TINGED BROWN HAIR(his natural hair color?) and HONEY TINGED BROWN EYES...I have honey tinged brown eyes too, honey tinged brown hair too.BROWN PIGMENT GENES..LOL
Funnily,If you take a picture of just his eyes sans the eyebrows and compare them with a picture of my eyes sans the eyebrows,they are just the same.And, I LIKE THAT VERY MUCH...
The eyebrows are a whole other story, coz, first off, male ORBITS(bone cage holding the eyeball in place-for the benefit of non medical folks reading this) are thicker and heavier than the female orbit, thus giving a heavier brow pattern ..Needless to say, his eyebrows are heavier .I like it how we are the MALE AND FEMALE versions of the SAME SOUL(or NOT)
Anyways,In 2003 and 2004,I really really didn't even think that having a LOVE INTEREST in him was an option.I wasn't even "LOOKING" at that point of time in my life.HIS VOICE however would totally get MY SOUL each time i heard it.Yeah,interesting voice.And then probably sometime in 2005,his voice evoked enough interest in me that it prodded me to want to know more about him.I googled him.much like all of us do , GOOGLE UP THE GUY OR GIRL BEFORE THAT DATE..LOL.I looked him up.JUST OUT OF WHIM.(little did I know how much this man will become a part of my thoughts for years and years to come).And then I read his blogs.BOOM.hooked for life..HIS THOUGHTS AND HIS VOICE...That was enough to HOOK ME IN ,forever.
This intense BACKWARD BLOG READING,wherein,I will read up all BLOG ARCHIVES of any given blog if I find the blog interesting,IS MY ATTEMPT AT GETTING TO KNOW all FACETS OF A PERSONALITY.In the process, I end up, in a matter of days,a few days of intense backward blog reading , suddenly assimilated with knowledge of their years and years of memories.GIVES ME THE FALSE IMPRESSION THAT I KNOW THEM ON SOME personal LEVEL.
2006 to 2012 ---These last 6 years have been nothing but
a/PAINFUL awareness of his existence,
b/ the futility of things...
c/awareness of nuances of my own personality by closely examining his
d/knowing how similar we both are and also knowing how dissimilar we both are on some other levels.This dissimilarity and on some levels the similarity as well kinda DISALLOWS MY CONSCIOUS MIND TO WANT TO DATE HIM and yet THE CAMARADERIE OF OUR SOULS makes me want to experience his company,his mind, his emotions, his body , all on a very very close personal level...The fact that we are OF THE SAME AGE(i am a few months younger than him) totally fuels this desire even more.
E/getting tired of writing him emails asking him NOT TO CHANGE and he has changed tons these 9 years...(on second thought, i have changed tons these 9 years too, all of us change)
f/getting tired of having to witness his transformation as a personality into something different from what i initially fell for
g/getting tired of trying to stop thinking about him and failing miserably
h/hating it that i don't like him THAT MUCH anymore.Hating it?why? coz "not liking him anymore" makes me feel alone.He used to make me feel less alone in the universe given the fact that sometime in 2005 I thought he was the PERFECT REPLICA OF MY MINDSET.made me feel like, there is someone else just like me in this universe..not anymore
2009-Mr.U has been making mistakes in some life decisions of his.I stand here and watch from a distance.That is all I have done for most part from 2003 to 2012 anyways .I have done similar life mistakes too.So, each time I watch him do the same kind of mistakes I have done,I LIVE THE ORDEAL ALL OVER AGAIN VICARIOUSLY THROUGH HIM and this has been the hardest part of 2005-2012.
BUT 2009 was the hardest for me in terms of watching him MESS UP SO MUCH FOR HIMSELF.
2009 Was HIS TOUGH YEAR.
2010 was my TOUGH YEAR, BOTH ON A PERSONAL LEVEL DUE TO MY OWN EXPERIENCES(separate from him and his life experiences).
2009 was MY VICARIOUS TOUGH YEAR,
coz, at that point in time, he did ,what I DEEM as the worst possible thing in his own life.Something that I never FATHOMED that a man like him, A thinking, over-thinking, sensitive, smart man like him COULD DO.
The funny part is((what is so funny?)...FOR THE FIRST TIME I REALIZED THAT he is PRONE TO BEING FLAWED AND THOUGHTLESS TO A POINT WHERE I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO FORGIVE HIM.
He has always been messing up in small ways till now and everything was forgivable, but this one time, HIS BEHAVIOR , reflective of the thought process behind what he did, WAS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE TO ME
In the VIEW OF THE WORLD,what he did WAS possibly trivial,not a mistake at all.In HIS OWN VIEW, what he did was just fine.BUT, for me,FOR MY PRINCIPLES,my personal principles,his acts clashed with my conscience.
I have to clarify here that THE MISTAKE HE DID had nothing to do with me at all.
Given the thinking man that he is, it baffled me to know that he didn't see any mistake in what he did.In 2009 he was more worried about other areas in which he messed up .
For the FIRST TIME SINCE 2003 I COULDN'T RELATE TO HIM..I COULDN'T FORGIVE HIM(not that he was asking for any of my forgiveness at all). FOR THE FIRST TIME MY SOUL HAD A RIFT FROM HIS SOUL,the distance started.
2012--It is 2012.
That tiny rift from 2009,
that tiny moat of water that separated our souls is dried out now.
has just managed,
to yet again walk over the dried out moat,
and jumped over the fortress wall of my soul.
It has come back,
to chide and caress my soul,
that DRIED UP MOAT,
A DITCH OF DRIED UP WATER WITH SILT EXPOSED,
STAYS THERE AT THE PERIPHERY OF MY SOUL,
As a constant reminder of WHAT FLAWS HE is prone to.
He has the capacity to do this ,quoting him ",break my way in..yada yada.....break my out ..yada yada............to get to the place where i started"
I NEVER KNEW HE WAS CAPABLE OF MAKING SUCH MISTAKES,but now i know that he is,so ,I AM WEARY
Just as I re-read this blog entry, I realized I AM BEING HARD ON HIM(not that he cares whether i am hard or tender on him..he hardly cares coz he doesn't know what i think about him,coz i hardly tell it out loud these days,haven't done so since years now).
This is the VERY REASON I am writing this blog entry...just to get it all out of my mind and onto paper ,so that I CAN SORT IT OUT...YA KNOW..I AM OVER-ANALYZING,OVER-THINKING..I know!!!!! but i have to GET IT ALL OUT OF MY SYSTEM,
To clarify... I HAVE NEVER OFFICIALLY DATED MR.U so far..I have never SLEPT WITH HIM either .It is just that LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE GRAVITATE TOWARDS EACH OTHER...mentally,intellectually,spiritually .I call these SOUL CONVERSATIONS
Had the 2009 incident not occurred,I WOULD ACTUALLY WANT TO DATE MR.U.
Just to SEE WHAT IT IS LIKE ,but now, I am afraid,worried , and weary and cautious to let him in.I DON'T LIKE LIABILITIES IN MY LIFE
So, maybe,one of these days,I must make a physical meeting possible(or NOT or NEVER), where we both sit together and discuss about HIS 2009 and MY 2010 and why he did what he did back then.JUST ME AND HIM AND LOTS OF CONVERSATION.If I can somehow erase that memory of that FLAWED MR.U OF 2009 from my mind,I can go back to planning our life together( NOT REALLY)
The whole of august 2012,I sat there everyday,my mind tormented with racy thoughts each day about how FOOLISH I AM BEING in planning to integrate him into my life FOR REAL.
Mingling of souls is fine you see, but come on,I AM A DOCTOR.I really love the field medicine.I want to be able to see patients each day no matter what other careers of my own I might include in my life.I have actually given up or put a hold on my other careers just so that i can get more done in my MEDICAL CAREER.Therefore,To need to include his career into my life might be technically detrimental to my identity on some level(this is going to be another blog entry-more about this later) .HE WON'T FIT IN MY LIFE.HIS CAREER WORLD IS DIFFERENT FROM MINE.
He fits well in my soul,but,is he going to fit well in my life? How am I going to make this PRACTICALLY WORK FOR BOTH OF US?
It would only be stupid to create unnecessary problems and obstacles in life's journey by choosing IMPRACTICAL LOVE ALLIANCES....
and yet, the heart wants him, the mind wants him...and yet I AM WITHHOLDING MYSELF,not just from him,but from dating altogether.
I am not sure he will want me even if I stop withholding myself from him.Not at this this point of his life,no
Maybe 8 years ago,when he was his old self, yes,but now ,not anymore
WILL HE BE SMART ENOUGH TO SPOT ME , SPOT HIS TWIN SOUL ? HMMMM.....I don't know....
He once wrote about that...about probably missing out and passing by his soulmate without recognizing that she was the one for him...I FEAR THE SAME FOR HIM TOO.....anyways...
he is looking in wrong places and I AM DEFINITELY WITHHOLDING MYSELF..why? coZ I WANT TO BE F*CKNG SURE THAT HE IS THE ONE FOR ME...I mean...I definitely have to go on a date with him....and then after that what happens I DON'T KNOW...
I suddenly remembered what my dad told me when I was 24.My dad wanted me to just go ahead date all the eager smart handsome fellow male doctors who WANTED TO DATE ME back then and then choose one...ya know..have this nice safe secure relationship....A doctor marrying another doctor...good stable earnings,smart parenting,smart kids,large house in the suburbs,dispensable income and yada yada yada...BUT THAT IS ALL BULLSHIT IN MY BOOK...maybe I AM BEING FOOLISH IN NOT WANTING THIS SAFE ROUTE...MAYBE I AM A FOOL..sigh
more "MR.U-blogs" coming up btw.
WHY AM I DOING THIS?
I need to write all about him and get him out of my system..THE BROWN EYED man NEEDS TO COME OUT IN BLOGS AND THEN...i want to feel UNBURDENED....SO THAT I CAN THINK CLEAR ...
I am possibly going to embarrass myself by putting out my innermost thoughts about MR.U in the blog , but ,I Just have to do this and get it out of my system.
Also,given the fact that Mr.U and I are such similar souls, some folks actually think that I am Mr.U and this is MR.U's blog..I HAVE TO CLARIFY..I am a A FEMALE DOCTOR..AND THIS IS MY BLOG...I write it ...end of clarification