Stay hungry,Stay foolish-Steve Jobs

That above line is from the speech Steve Jobs gave at some graduation ceremony.
The thing is..For the longest time, I really didn't even know who Steve jobs was.No , really...
I am not an "apple products" user...In fact..I have repeatedly told on twitter why I never use Apple products..I think their software secrecy and business techniques which allow only certain programs to be compatible with their products thus forcing the consumer to spend more or  to spend on more products that they intend you to buy ,really grates me..I am all for DEMOCRACY AND TRUE POWER OF CHOICE..if you know what I mean.But , with apple, there is no choice but to eat what THEY SERVE.You end up buying only products and programs that are "COMPATIBLE" with their products..hmmmm.
For the longest times I didn't even know of the name STEVE JOBS...
But after getting on twitter, I have met quite a few APPLE FANS..and that is when I was first introduced to the name STEVE JOBS...didn't even look him up back then...We all google, don't we? The name didn't evoke enough curiosity in me to specifically look him up ...Anyways..
sometime last year,I watched  the movie "pirates of silicon valley" or some such title (funny how I forget the name of  the movie but will remember every dialogue and other detail of it) ...and this movie kinda evoked my interest in the whole BIOGRAPHY part of the evolution of the internet and the computer revolution per se
Prior to this  movie I was more interested in the TECHNOLOGY part of the whole of it..This movie kinda made me want to look at the PEOPLE behind it all.
Steve jobs died sometime last year..of  pancreatic cancer.
Given the fact that I am a physician...the news kinda evoked my interest...Sad to see people die young due to cancer..
Anyways...very recently I watched a BIOGRAPHY SPECIAL on STEVE jobs..this documentary>.I strongly suspect this documentary is some kind of
"advertising and self promotion effort" by APPLE to uncouthly use the event of  his sad demise as a money spinner for the company...Sorry for being so CRASS in my assessment of the biography film..The film was in itself nice , well made, accurate and eye opening to me....But then ,repetitive RERUNS of the biography special>> one too many times<<.just made me SUSPECT FOUL PLAY... The company is trying to make the most of his death too...no, seriously? reminded me of the time when the Royal family in an attempt to ensure that the royal wedding got  as much viewership as possible kept doing ROYAL FAMILY reruns on the biography channel...weeks prior to the actual wedding...JUST MADE ME HATE THE WHOLE ROYAL WEDDING..LOL

Anyway, the reason why I am blogging about this is...is...for the first time...I actually SAT UP and paid attention to this PERSON called STEVE jobs..Earlier..I just would brush him off as just another smart ass silicon valley person who made millions..so yeah..whatever...who cares...BUT NOW...AFTER WATCHING THIS DOCUMENTARY....too many things struck a chord with me...This person ,steve jobs, to whom I was nothing but INDIFFERENT TO, suddenly looked like a strange reminder of msyelf...MADE MY STOMACH TURN OVER..seriously
First off, did you know that MACINTOSH is a variety of apple?
Anyways...hmmmmm..I should have written this blog entry right when I saw the documentary...the words were flowing from my mind back then..Now it is like DELAYED RECALL..and there is nothing SPONTANEOUS about a delayed recall.
This documentary was far better than the "pirates of silicon valley" movie..coz first off,I got to see, all the REAL FACES of all the people who worked with him from back then..I got to see videos of him actually speaking...and nothing is better than real VIDEO footage...to judge personality...eyes speaketh tons...no?
The thing is..this guy COULD VERY WELL HAVE BEEN ALIVE..had he just gone ahead and gotten the surgery for his pancreatic cancer when it was first detected rather than wait and think that he COULD WILL IT AWAY with his strict vegan diet and alternative medicine and shite..seriously...
THE THING HERE IS....
I discovered a nodule in my breast six years ago....all they suggested was a simple small FINE NEEDLE ASPIRATION CYTOLOGY..and me ..being the overthinking physician that I am and coz of the stubborn will I have just like what steve jobs had....I decided I don't want any needles piercing the nodule....I feared that the FNAC would disturb it even more and the normal cells might go dysplastic..SERIOUSLY...wtf
Well, seven years later I am still alive..but see...NOT IN GOOD HEALTH...hmmmmmm
symptoms in me have changed over the past six years....body changes..(NOT DIRECTLY BREAST RELATED AT ALL..but so many health issues,SO MANY BODY CHANGES, far too many for me to deal with...unconnected symptoms..pertaining to various areas..unconnected ones...)Makes me think...and yet..even now..all i have to do is get that F(((ING BIOPSY AND GET IT OVER WITH..but no....even now..I am sitting here ..not wanting to get a needle prick..coz in my head..I feel like that the FNAC might trigger off something harmless and dormant into something dangerous...hmmmmm..THE OVERANALYZING PHYSICIAN
So yeah....well, going back to steve jobs..So many folks in the documentary describe him as his person who will brain wash himself and those around him into actually believing that something HIGHLY IMPOSSIBLE is actually achievable..and then they end up creating history..Now,THAT....struck such a chord with me...I am forever known to push myself to LOFTY HORRIBLY BIG GOALS..much subjecting myself to laughable scoffs from people whom I then proceed to describe as "mediocre souls" who can't see the bigger picture...There have been many many occasions..when these very mediocre souls...end up making comfortable workable solutions and then make me QUESTION MY OWN SANITY.Was I  just a DREAMER and prolly they were the DOERS....???
Funny..how when they describe this incident where someone visits his home and find just no furniture except for a bed in his bedroom with a picture of EINSTEIN....If all of you have had the opportunity to have interacted with me on twitter..you would know about the EINSTEIN SKETCH.....(go , look it up in my POETRY AND POISE BLOG..link to that blog is on the top of the page)
They describe him as this FOREVER BOHEMIAN ...and THAT WAS A REVELATION FOR ME..coz from all I ASSUMED of the founder of apple...i just thought he would be this smart savvy person...The last thing I assumed he would be was HIPPIE or BOHEMIAN...so, yeah..The thing is..I AM VERY VERY UNDENIABLY BOHEMIAN..and sometimes this bohemian tendencies OF MINE..scare the shite out of me.....I FEEL LIKE I am not AS STREET SMART AS I would LIKE TO BE...
On some days..I just want to be like the mediocre people,them with their vying for creature comfort and all that jazz ...I wish , i was just as money minded.
I wish I was super selfish.I wish i STOP seeing the fucking bigger picture and just focus on the smaller picture..I just want to be like them..that life , their life is easier ...atleast, it is self serving.ya know>>but naaaah..bohemian tendencies are genetically ingrained in some way..CAN'T ERASE THEM...And yeah...NO FURNITURE also strikes a chord with me..and yeah..the GANDHI's pic in his living room also strikes a chord with me..AND then....I AM DISMAYED....
I am dismayed that of all people...NOW I RELATED TO STEVE JOBS..the guy..that I didn't care to even google till after he died...jeezus beezus...despite the APPLE HYPE
okay...I know It would be better If I don't mention what i am now going to mention...but this blog entry is about PURGING THIS WHOLE STEVE JOBS DOCUMENTARY AND THE THOUGHTS THEREOF...from my very system..coz first off , his death...kinda scares me now..I DON'T WANT TO DIE....yet I continue to do the exact same things that he did and the things that had he not done..he prolly would be alive today...you see..smart talented people MUST NOT DIE SO SOON...and I definitely don't want to die...seriously...WTF..
The thing is...forget the BREAST NODULE...it is a seven year old ONGOING STORY...but THE MOST RECENT HEALTH ISSUE IS FAR DIFFERENT, FAR GRAVE and far LIFE ALTERING FOR ME....KINDA negates every single plan i made for my life, my career, my other career and what not...It kinda disallows easy safe execution of all my FAR FETCHED LOFTY PLANS..and I DON'T LIKE THE SPOKE IN MY WHEELS..get the F***KING spoke out of my wheels, please!!!
Anyways...the thing i was gonna say was about Steve jobs' face...The whole time i saw footage of his pics or videos of him speaking..especially THE YOUNG HIM...i was reminded of this one other person i know...and he is someone that this other person I know is very fond of..Incidentally, this other person is also a big fan of steve jobs and given the fact that steve jobs is older than either of them., I was like, did this other person internalize steve jobs so much that he started getting fond of practically any other person that looks similar ?
I mention this..coz , I DO THAT...when i LOVE someone...and when that person has a particular kind of face....even years after breaking up with that person...I will still continue liking anyone who has a similar face....REST ASSURED....Any person who even remotely looks like any of my ex boyfriends has a great chance of ME WARMING UP TO THEM..just coz they look like someone i once loved...

HAVING SAID THAT...some of you might actually assume that, all my boyfriends then probably look like each other...but funnily....THEY ARE ALL very very different looking...GO FIGURE...
So, yeah..that means...once i love a guy...i end up internalizing that face...or body type...THAT DOESN'T MEAN..i will date a similar guy...I end up dating guys who i strike an emotional chord with...
All i was saying is....I forever end up liking that type of face...confusing? anyways...WE JUST WENT OFF TOPIC...
Coming back to STEVE JOBS.
so, yeah..didn't know he was adopted...Even before i knew this fact, I kept judging that he has a mediterranean tinge to his face...and well...his biological dad seems to be Mediterranean(correct me if I am wrong)...figures ...no?
hmmmmmm....finally ...so yeah..this guy gets diagnosed with pancreatic cancer...and he then goes on a strict vegan diet and tries alternative medicines...and funnily for three years I went vegan..and for some reason was making myself believe that the breast nodule symptoms got better with my vegan diet..Whether it did or not is not the question here..The fact that i showed tendencies of EXTREME AUTOSUGGESTION...just like he is known to do to himself...I AM SCARED.
I don't want to die..DAMN..he died at 56.,..much after AFTER...after.....FULFILING HIS DREAMS TO A PART EXTENT...and I am yet to begin that journey..only 33 now....seriously..come on...don't want to die...
welll, the current health issue that I am facing.....is far more life altering for me.....SCARES THE SHITE OUT OF ME...and thus makes me question my whole life and my life decisions.
OFCOURSE , all this ramble doesn't mean .I AM EQUATING MYSELF TO STEVE JOBS...far from it...I am yet to prove myself....he has created history...THAT IS NOT THE POINT...
btw...steve jobs seems to be a great fan of this japanese guy who invented the walkman..surely..when the walkman guy invented the walkman...steve jobs must have sat there thinking and taking of him,,,just like I am thinking and talking of steve jobs...it is all a matter of time and generation...
In this documentary they describe this walkman guy as the STEVE JOBS OF HIS OWN TIME...hmmmmmm...Anyways...
so yeah..this documentary DEPRESSED ME A LOT...SCARED THE SHITE OUT OF ME...seriously..the reason why I got OUT OF TWITTER AND OUT OF BLOGGING is because of this HEALTH ISSUE that I currently have..THAT NEEDS A HAPPY ENDING..and the happy ending seems to be ELUSIVE SO FAR....it is only getting worse and the horror of my condition getting worse is FAR TOO MUCH FOR ME TO DEAL WITH///I am used to being this PERFECT person with no limitations...i hate it that I have so many fucking limitations in life now...I have to cut down and limit the magnanimity of MY DREAMS coz i have to plan within my limitations..and i HATE LIMITATIONS...i hate myself now...for not having taken enough care to not have ended up with POOR HEALTH...
Health was my biggest and only wealth..ALL MY LARGE PLANS FOR LIFE were based on the assumption that i would forever be young...forever hungry and forever foolish and nothing would matter coz i would have the perfect wealth of health to back up my plans...SO , WHEN MY HEALTH IS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME...and given my bohemian "No furniture at home" lifestyle..I end up being DIRT POOR IN SOUL ....WITHOUT MY HEALTH.....
I have parents in life...who are getting older and who have spent YEARS AND YEARS..actually believing in my LOFTY DREAMS and actually supporting me very generously whenever i needed help or support....seriously..I DON'T WANT TO DIE ON THEM...they are too old to be able to TOLERATE IT..In the past few months i have seen my parents literally shrink in worry for my health...makes me sad and makes me feel IRRESPONSIBLE.
so, yeah, pancreatic cancer...Randy pausch(cornell university) also died of pancreatic cancer...and that set me off thinking....as a physician...something in terms of etiology formulation for pancreatic cancer..I see a pattern...so yeah...hmmmm
overall....the documentary...kept getting RE-RUN..so many times over the past weeks(some business agenda from apple I suppose..marketing..sympathy guided product promotion..whatever)...I kept getting depressed each single time i watched it...
I am also already getting depressed with this health issue that this other person has.....in his life...that kinda conincided with my health issues..funny how i keep insisting that his life incidents and my life incidents follow a similar chronology..and now both of us with our own health issues..all lost, all worried, all thin and depressed.
.I am so DOWN UNDER with my own health issues to such an extent that I don't have the inclination to even talk to him or convince him..I need to be strong and healthy myself to be HIS STRONG PILLAR OF SUPPORT..instead, I find myself alone, dismayed..pushing people away..not seeking help for my health condition somehow still hoping that i can WILL MY HEALTH ISSUES AWAY, just like steve jobs did and then HE DIED!!!
They say that steve jobs was a very POLAR PERSONALITY when it came to how he related with others...I do that too...NOT a great trait...very self harming in some way.
Someone this other day on some TV interview was telling how they have POOR IMPULSE CONTROL...I do that  too..he does too...I don't know if steve jobs had poor impulse control too..but seriously....DAMN IT..why can't i get let go off the fear and seek some help ...can I stop being the "cocky all knowing doc" and learn to be a patient and just TRUST....believe and hope..ALL POSITIVE?I don't want to die..is all...sounds dramatic, no? well, it is...so yeah....