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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Repeated premonitions about coming home to my kids !

Okay, Now , well all of us envision scenes from our future where we enact a desire of ours or what we anticipate might happen in the future .
Ya know, like when you are sixteen or seventeen, You kinda envision yourself in scrubs and treating patients (if you aim to become a doctor one day) , or envision yourself singing on stage with all your fans going crazy (if you want to become a musician ) or such and such. Yeah, some of us are lucky to have these premonitions come true ( I call them premonitions here with the assumption that these visualizations or dreams per say actually come true one day) ..Some of us move on and end up in different jobs than what we dreamed or envisioned ourself to end up in. all those kids, tons and tons of them wanting to be only astronauts, just plain ridiculous. LOL.
Now , now, the thing is, I am having these weird premonitions off late( i have no idea what else to call them though). So yeah, premonitions of me coming home in my blue scrubs ( I mean I am a doc but i rarely ever wear scrubs outside of the hospital. Infact it is unhygenic to wear scrubs outside of the hospital) and then calling out loudly to a living room lit with yellow lights( I hate yellow lights. I always make sure i fix up white lights ) and yeah I am calling out ,"where are my children?" (children? Not child? what? ) and a couple of children run out and hug me and wrap their arms around my legs. Now now, in this premonition I also notice that my husband is already happily at home ( what? Am i gonna get married to a guy who gets to spend more time with his kids than me ? I mean, that would make me jealous that i work all those leisurely evenings that they spend as a family unit together.awwww.that is a good thing though, alteast one parent is home or some such. but still !)
This is a weird premonition. First off, I don't think I will come home in my scrubs. Secondly, I am thirty now.. and the way things are going, I don't anticipate to get pregnant till around 37 . 37 is an okay time to get pregnant provided my body is good by then-ya know, not abused by alcohol or smoking or drugs. and well, I have never done or will do alcohol or smoking or drugs. that is for sure. so yeah, for me, 37 maybe an okay time to want to get pregnant. Sure. So yeah, the maximum I might end up would be A CHILD. not children.
So well, but listen, as a 37 year old, If i try IVF as a mode to get pregnant (incase I am not highly fertile like a 22 yr old would be) odds are that two of my ova might get fertilized and such. Most multiple pregnancies do occur due to IVF more than by mere chance. But yes, as a 37 year old. there are also natural chances for one single zygote to divide and then give rise to two fetuses.
The funny part is, yes, CHILDREN are possible by way of twins from a single pregnancy. The thing about my premonition though is that, these children that are running towards me are of different ages and different sexes. gosh.. damn..How is that possible? An improbable(impossible if I have a say in what happens in the future) thing to come true.
Moreover, I am a smart ass. A great doc. given that I am smarter than the average physician, it may not make sense in terms of relationship gratification if i don't have an equally smart ass partner and therefore I most prolly would be most satisfied if i could fervently discuss surgical procedures with an equally hot and equally smart surgeon and be able to giggle and discuss medical jokes .Ya know those jokes that only physicians in the know will understand and find funny. given that fact that my future husband would also be a busy surgeon (if I have a say in matters of the silly heart) , it just might not be logically possible that my husband is gonna be sitting in a yellow lit living room in the evening with the kids while I come back from work. yeah?
speaking of which, How sad is it that two smart surgeons eventually might have to leave behind their kids under the care and upbringing of a possibly not so smart caretaker. Not fair. I am just gonna make sure that i have my kids with me all the time even while i am working , speaking of which I am constantly making plans of bringing about laws that make it mandatory for employees to have in house creches for the kids of the employees. That way i can drop in there every two hours or so between work . gosh. whatever.
coming back to the hottie surgeon husband of mine,
But, but, again, well, that premonition might be true in some ways if the surgeon hottie husband of mine has had the day off after a previous night shift and well, if i had the day shift ending late in the evening.
But ,but, what about the yellow lights? Hmmmmmm...
Look at me, almost assuming that premonitions are gonna come true.
I have these visions from time to time.
For one, I can romanticize the whole thing and call these repeated visions as premonitions and cross my fingers and hope that they come true and such.
I can see it like a physician and diagnose that I have some kind fo repetitive obsessive disorder. possibly. But well, it cannot be obsessive as much as it is repetitive. It is not like I am getting some gratification out of these visions and it is not something like voluntarily putting myself to think that way so that i can gain some gratification. So probably this thought pattern is more of a plain repetitive kind. Or well maybe i have this subconscious desire to have children and a family that i could come back to each evening and have a great professional life too and which is why i get these visions and prolly I derive some subconscious gratification out of all this. So , well , it is obsessive after all.

speaking of all of this, At one point while I was in high school and just after that, I kept having these repeated premonitions of walking around in my white coat and treating patients and patients thanking me and all. By then I had already diversified into biochemistry and nutrition and there were bleak chances of me getting through into med school. Because ofcourse I was hardly even trying to get into med school. So , back then, I looked at those visions as an internal urge of mine that is coming out in the form of visions. I was like, " I am not actively trying to get into med school, I am already kinda branched out into nutrition and biochemistry and the works, so well, why am i really getting these visions" and I told myself the same story of the subconscious desires and then I had a major pity party for myself in front of my dad and mom. I was like, " i am gonna just end up going to be this silly lil non clinical person doing a mundane desk job and my life will pass me by " and then i started crying real loud in front of my dad . and My dad just stood there silently but he was kinda worried. LOL.No I mean, he just stood there , very worried and looking at me and then looking at the floor in pensive though.
Thank god I actually became a doctor and a good one at that and truly my patients love love me. So , yeah, that premonition came true alright. It actually came true but then after that crying episode, I went out and applied to med school and actually cooly got in too. Ya know.
So maybe these premonitions are just my inner cry for want of a family and kids and a husband and what not..I don't know. I am sick of all this. or Am I?

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