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Sunday, August 24, 2014

DISTURBING DREAM JOURNALS-PART 1-kissing cousin

I dreamed this dream sometime in 2005...and i felt do disturbed that i dreamed of such a thing..

Before i start describing the dream,I want to give a quick prelude story.

I have a male cousin-a paternal cousin..

he is just a few months apart from me in his birthday.

needless, me and him always ended up being playmates as kids because were both of nearly the same age...

we would meet up during family vacations or family visits and WOULD EXPLORE OUR NEIGHBORHOOD or play games together..

and WE BECAME BEST FRIENDS OVER TIME..

and honestly, on a conscious level, we were brother and sister.

COUSINS ARE NOT REALLY BROTHER AND SISTER, but they are genetically brother and sister in the fact that cousins share genetic material ..

there are a lot of cultures where historically cousin marriages was an accepable trend too.

however, as a doctor, I PERSONALLY frown upon cousin marriages because such marriages and children born out of such cousin marriages stand the danger of expressive genetic disorders which wouldn't have otherwise gotten expressed except ofcourse that in a cousin marriage a certain element of genetic inbreeding has occured.

so, yeah, TECHNICALLY AND SOCIALLY SPEAKING in our community, a cousin is like your brother or sister...

YOU CANNOT MARRY YOUR OWN COUSIN ..

and yes, all through childhood and even during teen years and college...WE WERE ALWAYS BEST FRIENDS..

we were intellectually compatible and we were emotionally compatible

and we always kept in touch, via email or messenger or text..

and in 2005, both of us had just graduated..and we happened to talk a lot over messenger almost everyday during that period..

great camaraderie and in a way great mutual attraction to each other i suppose.

MIND YOU, we never cross the line, sexually or romantically EVER, EVER, EVEN SO FAR...

but we talked and shared a lot platonically..

and one day, i woke up in the morning in a VERY DISTURBED STATED OF MIND,

BECAUSE

because,

I DREAMED A KISS

A STRANGE HOUSE , A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, A HOUSE I NEVER RECALL HAVING SEEN BEFORE EXCEPT IN THIS DREAM.

AND IN THIS DREAM,MY COUSIN AND I, we kissed each other on the lips...

AND IN THE DREAM, I SEEMED TO BE STRANGELY SATISFIED WITH THE KISS, SO WAS HE..



and coming to think of it, probably a day or two before that dream happened, we probably were discussing something about sex and his friend and masturbation and other such..

it was a very open discussion, much like any other discussion we both usually have about any given subject...

and then DAYS LATER, i dream this..



IT WAS DISTURBING FOR ME..to know that somewhere inside my head, THERE IS A SUBCONSCIOUS SEXUAL DESIRE TO THIS WHOLE DYNAMIC WITH HIM.

but, I FELT SO DIRTY THAT I DREAMED THIS..

i felt so ashamed.

IT WAS ONLY A DREAM

but more so, i felt upset..

HOW COULD I !

HOW COULD I DREAM THIS WAY...

i have commited a blasphemous act, i felt



AND that was in 2005...and now in 2014, finally i have the courage to WRITE OUT THIS DREAM JOURNAL..

coz, i have to let it out...

IT WAS JUST A DREAM..but still, I KISSED HIM..

thankfully , he is just a cousin and not an actual sibling..coz, had i dreamed of kiissing siblings that WOULD HAVE MORTIFIED ME ..SERIOUSLY!

in these past many years, I ALWAYS THINK OF THIS DREAM AND TRY TO WONDER WHY I ACTUALLY DREAMED IT..

WHY OH WHY!

actually, i also remember one other conversat ion i had with him, much before i dreamed this dream where i was telling him, that when i have kids of my own, they will call him :" uncle" and he for some reason insisted that he is technically not really a brother..

HMM,,STRANGE THINGS THE BRAIN REGISTERS OVER A PERIOD OF TIME, a sequence of events and incidents and one day, IT DUMPS IT ON YOUR SOUL, In the form of a very DISTURBING DREAM.

BLEH!

tags: journals, Journal_blog, dream_journal, disturbing_dreams,kissing_cousins, cousin_marriages,genetic_inbreeding

DISTURBING DREAM JOURNALS-PART 2-My auntie, me and a common guy!

I actually dreamed this dream last week.

a prelude into this dream with some basic thoughts.

I have been dabbling in overhauling my views about polygamy, polyandry, serial polygamy,bigamy, whatever else there is associated with things other than monogamy.

Have met too many men online, with wives and girlfriend who are so sexually and intellectually and emotionally unrequited, they think, having an internet girlfriend on the side, BESIDES continuing to have a "REAL LIFE" wife or gf is a great idea.

MY VIEW? if you are not emotionally satisfied in a relationship? TIME TO CHUCK THAT RELATIONSHIP and time to find a new one that satisfies you in every given way.

SECONDLY? internet people are JUST AS REAL, as real life people...aren't real life people the very ones on the internet? DUH!

and internet people have feelings and emotions too..INFACT, THESE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS invoked and evoked during internet romances are JUST AS REAL if not more real than flesh and blood copulatory real life people and connections thereof..

SO, YEAH, if you are cheating on the internet, it is CHEATING...it is emotional cheating..

and if you see yourself doing it, THAT MEANS, IT IS TIME TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR REAL LIFE PARTNER, coz they are not meeting your needs.

so, YEAH, now, coming to the dream.

I AM A FEMALE PHYSICIAN.

I HAVE AN AUNT, she is a doctor too.

A MIGHT TALENTED ONE AT THAT..

i am very proud of her...she is strong and tough and smart and talented..

however, when it comes to marriage, her marriage didn't turn out the way she wanted it..and infact, it didn't turn out the way I WANTED IT TO TURN OUT FOR HER..i wanted her to have a fabulous marriage..COZ SHE DESERVED IT...

she went through a lot of hardships due to her bad marriage..and anyways, sad story.

SO, each time i try dating a new guy, I GET SCARED if the new guy had any traits like that of my uncle, COZ I AM OBVIOUSLY VERY SHAKEN BY WHAT HAPPENED TO HER..

SHE WAS OR STILL IS SO TALENTED AND SHE SURELY DIDN'T DESERVE A FAILED MARRIAGE.

and for some reason, it has ingrained in my head that MY FATE IS GOING TO BE SIMILAR TO HERS.A FAILED MARRIAGE..

I AM SHIT SCARED OF FAILED MARRIAGE, so many of the marriages around me are actually dysfunctional ones...

anyways, each time i start dating a guy, there is atleast one occasion where i am shit scared that this is going to be the guy i end up marrying who will then turn out to be like my uncle, utterly disappointing...

so many smart women lose out coz they are dragging on in life with weights around their ankles due to their bad husbands and dysfunctional marriages..

SO YEAH, i adore this aunt and she is an inspiration to me in a lot of ways.

so, GIVEN THAT I LOVE HER SO MUCH, the kind of dream i had about her last week , WAS VERY DISTURBING ...TOTALLY!

how could I? how could i dream such shit..

Also, another prelude is, about me having rekindled this tiny romance with this guy from ten years ago, who actually got married back then, and surprised me with his sudden marriage announcement with someone else and i carried around that pain for ten years.

ten years later, he came to me with an almost broken marriage on the verge of divorce ..

he was not yet divorced but coz he is an old friend, I TALKED HIM PERSONALLY FOR MONTHS, and in the process, both of us started emotionally hooking up and getting emotionally attached to each other..AND I FELT NASTY AND DIRTY ABOUT IT, coz he wasn't still divorced yet..

HE WAS SEPERATED FROM HIS WIFE the whole time we talked, but he was not divorced yet..

NO WE DIDNT' DO ANYTHING SEXUAL OR ROMANTIC.but that sexual attraction and that romantic attraction that we had for each other ten years ago was still valid..AND SO, it felt really dirty that i spent hours each day talking to him..

ANYWAYS, i felt like i was part of a POLYGAMOUS SITUATION, and it felt sad and dirty.

WE ARE NOT IN TOUCH ANYMORE coz the whole polygamous nature of the situation was too much of an emotional burden for me to deal with..

I AM ADDING IN THIS STORY HERE AS A PRELUDE TO THIS DREAM, coz, THE DREAM ABOUT MY aunt and me also figures this guy..WHOM I OFTEN CALL as MR.purple in my blog entries.

so, THE DREAM STARTS

with this ancient ethnic house.the kinds i have only seen ON TV, and never ever really lived in ever..

MY AUNT walks into the house apparently on a visit and immediately i take her to a room and tell her that i want to discuss with her her husband or her guy..

AND I AM LIKE, "do you know that your guy is also my guy?"

and she is mumbling incoherently

and then says something like, " i only meet him once a year and he stays over for a month and yes i have two kids with him.I don't mind if he doesn't stay with me the whole year..he is there for a month each year and the kids recognize that he is their father and that is good enough..I don't care what he does for the rest of the year..I don't care if he has a wife somewhere else"

and in the dream i am mortified and sad, coz this guy in the dream she is talking about is actually mr.purple and in the dream , I AM SEVERELY IN LOVE WITH MR.PURPLE and i want an exclusive relationship with him and then suddenly find out that mr.purple is the same guy, MY AUNT HAS SECRETELY MARRIED AND HAS HAD KIDS WITH AND HE IS ACTUALLY TECHNICALLY HER HUSBAND

and i hated myself and i hated my aunt and i hated mr.purple

AND I HATED MYSELF A LOT AFTER WAKING UP FOR DREAMING SUCH A NASTY FUCKY DREAM.

COZ,

in reality, my uncle is like a second parent to me..he is very very sweet and caring..he was a nice guy the whole time he lived except that my aunt had a hard time coz she dealt with his various health problems and finally had to nurse him for a long period of time till he finally died..

the hardships i was talking about, they came from my aunt needing to take care of the whole family coz my uncle always got sick..

so, my aunt and uncle are like SECOND PARENTS TO ME..

i have never felt any oedipus/electra complex ever..

i love them like my own PARENTS..

so, IN SUCH A SITUATION, dreaming such FUCKY, NASTY DREAMS where i am fighting with my aunt over a guy IS TRULY DISTURBING..what the fuck

why oh why...WHY DID I DREAM THIS DREAM.

true, mr purple has a kid with that other woman he married ten years ago and now even if he wants to be with me, I CAN'T HAVE HIM, even if i still love him a lot..

AND MAYBE THAT SADNESS CREEPED INTO MY SUBCONSCIOUS AND MIXED UP WITH MY OTHER FEARS and produced such a nasty dream

tags:dream_journals, journals, journal_blogs,dreams,disturbing_dreams,auntie_and_me,mr_purple_and_me,sad_marriages,Marriage_fears,committment_phobia

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